febuary 8th, 2026

Hallo! I sit writing from my layover in the Munich airport with much joy and gratitude to write of! 

Hii camila, thank you for having me hehehehwhwhwhahahahahaha. I was so excited to reunite and explore a new city! a new country! with you! 

as it all began, I woke up…. 4am…. for my 6am flight which was eventually delayed until I arrived at camila’s place around 3pm woohoooooo. my truth is before I had arrived, I hadn’t given my expectations of germany much thought. cuz camila knows german, the language really interests me, but I really didn’t have much of a perception of what the country or culture was like beyond hearing that berlin specifically has so so so much (queer) night life and tends to be very go with the flow. and that it's beautiful in the summer. this weekend: it snowed a lot! and was suuuper cold and grey! but no me importaba cuz I felt so joyful and happy 2 be reunited with THE camila bonilla <3 and among a new exciting place.

after getting innn, we got some yummyyy crossiants while walking around the chillyyyy streets. at one point, we ran into a photo/visual media book store called Photo Distribution and got inspiried by all the little zines to large photocollections and stories layed tasteful around the store. once again, I’d loveeeeee to work at a store like this, and at one point camila asked the guy working the store, sitting on his computer, trying to learn about his job. he didn’t have much to say, lol, and also said he doesn’t particularly enjoy photography, he prefers fashion. how interesting! camila got a cool fashion mag and we headed out. later we ate the most delishhhhhhhhh indian food I’ve had in a minute at a place called Amrit and I met camila’s friend anjali who’s from charlotte!!!! shes the first college student I’ve ever met outside of nc that is from charlotte! it was so cool to bond over our shared hometown (u nyc & bay people knowwww it well, and was so happy 2 get my first taste of that hahaha)

much l&ter we met some others and hit el cluuuurbbbbbbb. I thought I’d be tired and having to conciously rally but the techno was sooo loud that like it was impossible to feel tired fr. camila and I danceddddd the night away, like my legs were sore by the end, and everyone was quite kind and carefree and there were zero phones in sight >_< 

eventually got home, not sure what time, and oh my…. camila made us….. the most perf, satisfying, tasty avocado toast everrrrr. special touch was the pesto under the avocado, and ofc a drizzle of olive oil over the salt & pepper. mwahhhhh

next day, woke up, walked around ofc, got brunch, found the most beautifully-detailed blazer at the thrift, got a (too sweet) matcha at a interesting place called Lyfe [spain has had… very untasty matcha, the powders seem to be bad quality, but it has also accustomed me to unsweetened lattes… palates are changing! maybe I’ll like them unsweetened now), and eventually we got the chance to visit Fotografiska, a “renowned” photography museum/institution. this was my first time visiting a large scale, only photography museum, and I was quite hyped. the whole building is covered inside with graffiti which created this very flowing, multi-facted atmosphere to the space, but unfortuantely among the 3 exhibits, they were quite hit or miss. have you seen the photography of James Nachtwey? he is an american self-labeled photojournalist and war photographer, and had the largest exhibit in the musuem which showcased his photography career -- across the recent years in Ukraine, 9/11, Iran, Afghanistan, South Africa, India, the US, Romania, Bosnia, Somalia, Indonesia, and many more. my first reaction was intense tears. I read his exhibit statement, not fully anticipating what the photographs I was about to view were to represent. after viewing hundreds of images of unique individuals each experiencing uniquely oppressive situations now on view through assembled photographs in an overstuffed exhibit, I walked myself out of the space feeling intense frustration, hopelessness, and anger. I previously wrote down an overwhelming amount of thoughts the exhibit prompted, but it quickly spiraled into an existential and nihilistic rant that left me ungrounded and helpless for a few hours as I tried to re-ignite any motivation and optimism for life (and art) within myself and the rememberence of how impactful art can be for greater collective liberation. in the exhibit, the photographs felt they only sought (at least by the chaotic layout exhibition and self-important, possessive artist statement) to fetishize suffering and prove how “great” and “important” a photographer he is. I’m, of course, being ungenerous. there is intense power to his photographs, when associated with time, place, context, and mindful circulation. many of his photographs, pasted on the front of Times magazine, likely made strong impact on global consciousness towards issues and situations that political action could seek to liberate. but it left a nasty tasty in my mouth to see the lives, the nuances, the stories of each individual represented in the photographs have their “aura” — in Walter Benjamin’s definition — stripped by the exhibition medium. I’m grateful camila felt similarly, and we were able to talk out what made us so uncomfortable. 

hm. at this age, as I am finding my own footing and relationship to photography, to the art world, to working towards some form of collective liberation, I find myself frequently bitter and intolerant. I don’t believe that is a wholly bad thing. maybe I (we) see the capacity for not compromising on anything at this young age, and I speak specifically to my experience in the cradle of college and a life situation I will hold eternal gratitude for (albeit, always find it incomprehensible why one person is born into one situation that another may not have the same access to). I seek to be uncompromising, intolerant, to the greatest extent. sometimes, it seems, a lack of personal stability (traditional stability) is necessary towards the collective goal. I don’t doubt that and I challenge us with that. everything is in flux, but we can work towards the clarity (knowledge some may say) which allows us to base ourselves in a belief, a foundation, from which we jump towards the net-positive action. I dedicate myself to that. I hope to be among a community of dedication to that, as I often believe I find myself. I’ve deeply enjoyed (while feeling anger and frustration and many many extreme emotions) this path to finding clarity. and it’s my goal everyday! work towards stability and clarity. beyond just myself, because we are each other. duh.

the next exhibition was very tender, and for me, it hit. it was titled Father and led by Diana Markosian. through family photos, curated protraits, documentary work, family archives and letters, among other mediums, the exhibit explored the artist’s journey to reunite with her father who she had lost total contact with for decades after immigrating from Russia to the US with her mom. the walls had this homey, expressive wallpaper on which the works hung, and it aided the feeling of intimacy. I was most struck by a portrait between the artist and her father, taken together after they reunited. to me, the father holding a camera speaks to a billion things I’ve spent much time thinking about in recent years. and I appreciate most how the art, the exhibit, speaks to something greater than just the artist herself consumed in self-importance. I’ve frequently listened to the podcast The Messy Truth - Conversations on Photography, and recently told camila about it! if you’re interested in photography or visual media in anyyy way, I think its a great starting point to thinking more critically about how photos circulate. not every guest that the host, Gem Fletcher, brings on has a mindset or practice or intention that I respect, but its curious to find those that I do and think about what makes each guest “valueable” among the industry of it all. 

just got interrupted because I got notifcation my first roll of film I’ve developed here was ready! just downloaded them and….. I reallyyyy like the roll. they have the option to keep in the boarders when they scan the film, and the chemicals they use really draw out the soft & grainy gentleness of the photos >_< excited to keep going to this place! its called dubblefilm in gràcia, def recommend.

back to my weeeeekend! we later went to a scrumptious place called Rice & Shine and oooooo still thinking about this Korean Cheese Chicken dish I got cuz I literally licked the bowl clean…… not sorry about that. we went back home, got ready, and boooooooooooom time to go out. met up with camila’s lovely friends Anjali and Victoria, and preeeed while listening to much bassvictim, rosalía, fakemink, and eventually luis miguel jajajjajajaja. camila was showing us the music videos she grew up watching a million times with fam, and I felt a bit of the swoooooon… he may not be the most handsome man, to me!, but his vooiceeeeeeeeee ooooooooooo my. we found a party hosted at this venue called Kreuzwerk, and eeeee it was very well done. guys camila is so good at germannnn like she so calmly and cooly talks to everyone and it makes me so happy and inspired!!!! we got in, coat check, and ooooooooo it was time 2 danceeeeee. thxful drinks were cheap, but tbh both nights I ended up feeling mostly sober because I was so littttt from the techno/trance. oki tbh before berlin I have certainly enjoyed some techno and hard electronic stuff, but to be cliché, I GET IT NOW!!!!! everyyyyyyyoneeeeee at the dj sets so carefree and joyful and dancing and non-judgmental and ughhhhh it was so easy to feel freeeeeee. at one point, hehe, camila and I got up 2 dance behind the djs and everyone around was so sweet and kind and smiling at each other. the venue felt like a maze with a bunch of random smoke rooms and 2 djs and random outdoor hallways, but it was so coooooool to see so many young queer people together just being themselves and enjoying life frfr

eventually, after a delightful delightful time, we decided… its time to get cozy and go home <3 but not without getting a döner!!!!! on the way home hahahha. and we sat there in silence after getting back just savoring every bite b4 ending the night OF COURSE with…. ROBLOX YAAAAAAAAA. 

in the morn, woke up, chilled, got food, and eeeeee felt so grateful. everytime we saw a dog, camila came up with a category system to get silly with: we’ve got LBD (long bod dog), RBG (reg bod dog), and SBD (short bod dog). concensous was that berlin maybe leans more towards LBD. in my opinion, barcelona leans heavyyyy towards LBD, like there’s so many freaking daschunds here. soooooo many, and they’re my fav breed :3

I kinda wrote this post split between sitting waiting for layover flight and now a day later sitting in library before I start back on my school work for the week! much excited to start the rest of my classes/my 2 literature classes this weeeeeeek. they begin tomorrow (tuesday) I’ll update on them. and berlin! I must see you again. and I hope everyone ever is well and grounded and finding joy. MWAH TODXS